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HAPPY FAMILIES

 

(237 Words inc. Title)

“As my family and I gather once again at Sandringham, our thoughts go out this Christmas to you and your families wherever they may be.”

Mother, I’m trying to listen to The Queen.

Yes I know she’s looking older, Mother, but aren’t we all.

Please, Mother, I’m trying to listen… No, Mother, the vase behind The Queen is nothing like the one you saw reduced in Debenham’s.

Mother, I don’t know who cleans her windows. Does it matter?

No, I hadn’t heard about our window cleaner, Mother, who you say went in next door last week and came out half an hour later looking rather too pleased with himself. But I am trying to listen to The Queen.

Mother, you said the same sort of thing about me and Mr Gibson. And all because I helped him on with his coat at the Neighbourhood Watch meeting. Anyway, what about you when Daddy went off to his TA camp?

Never mind what Daddy got up to, Mother. I’m talking about you, and the insurance man’s bicycle clips that I found on your dressing table.

That’s a lie, Mother.

Mother, I did not put those bicycle clips on your dressing table.

I did not, Mother.

For God’s sake, Mother, I’m trying to listen to The…

“…And as we share together the many joys of family life, may I wish you all a very happy Christmas.”
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Those Lights

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The echo of Natalia’s footsteps was drowned out by a loud, out-of-tune rendition of Slade, being performed by a group of drunk squaddies outside the pub across the street.

They held each other and swayed, letting their pint glasses spill. Natalia quickened her pace to get past them, but they noticed her anyway and made crude comments. What a turn on.

The cold was started to get to her now; her beret had an open weave and she could feel the wind on her hair, and was starting to wish she was wearing boots.

The town’s sad, minimal Christmas lights had been up for weeks now. She had seen them on this walk home from work every night, and had expected them to have a particular poignancy on Christmas Eve, but they looked exactly the same.

“Natalia!” One of the drunk lads from outside the pub was crossing the street to speak to her, “I didn’t recognise you. It’s been years! How are you?”

“Yeah, OK,” she replied, crossing her arms to stay warm, “Happy Christmas.”

“We’re going to the kebab shop if you want to come and catch up. Apparently they’re handing out free mince pies.”

Natalia couldn’t help but grimace, “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Come on, you know you love it.”

She accidentally smiled and he grabbed her gloved hand to drag her across the road towards his mates, who were draining their pint glasses and choosing a new song to sing.

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